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August 25, 2010 / ebonbladedanaan

Snapshot of My Mind At Work: Exhibit A – A Remembered Dream

Perspective of a Clothesline

I managed to hold on to a dream this morning. I don’t normally have that kind of luck. Usually when I do it’s because the dream is so bizarre that I’m still wondering where it came from. Last night’s dream was a classic example.

I had dreamed that I was at a live acrobat show with my family. We were seeing two men who were in the phase of exiting middle age but had yet to enter retirement do a high bar routine. They were a bit pudgy, but not overly so. They were also both dressed in tweed coats reminiscent of that odd university professor stereotype. I was quite entertained by the act and for reasons I can’t recall, I thought it was marvelous. My family was similarly enthralled as was the rest of the very Fifties-esque crowd.

At some point in the act, the frame work for the high bar broke and both men were killed as they were caught between the bars. I was astonished and horrified. I also thought it was very tragic in an oddly removed way.

My mother had seen a man with a hand driven drill at the base of the framework and reported him promptly after the incident. Review of camera footage held by a conveniently located camera man showed that there was indeed a man with such a device sabotaging the framework. Our villian wore a black bowler hat and had a long mustache. He also wore a tweed coat and spats. I thought it seemed stylish in a villainous kind of way.

There was the inevitable time skip at this point and I found myself in a witness chair in surprisingly empty court room. I was being examined by the legal attorneys present via a psychologist who was validating my point. After a back and forth of nondescript questions, for which the details never stuck around, he finally spoke as though he were asking the culminating question. His tone, body language and facial expression all communicated that he was making a crucial point and that the fate of everything rested on my answer.

But to my confused ears I heard: “Beep beep beepity beep. Beepity beep beep. Beep… ” etc. He had gone on in that manner for a few minutes. I know I stared with incredulity and the worried looks he exchanged with the attorneys showed they had no idea what I was thinking.

I stood and pointed at the psychologist and said, “I didn’t understand a word you said! All I heard was beep beep beep. You were speaking english a minute ago, but now it’s all beep beep. They’ve done something!” In retrospect, I have to congratulate myself for a very cliche ‘Captain Obvious’ moment.

It was determined that my mind had been tampered with by the villains so that anytime the psychologist tried to speak to me about the important point then my mind would translate it to beeps. I was very distressed and alarmed that my ability to understand another human was taken from me without my consent. I was also quite alarmed that my mind was so vulnerable. It all felt so dramatic and important.

I was then woken up by my husband who complained that I was making the weird noise I seem to make when I sleep. I suspect it may get worse when I have distressing dreams as the only times he bothers me about it results in him waking me up at those points.

I laid there and thought that the whole series of events really was quite ridiculous and overblown. There are so many logic holes in the story that they could be lined up for miles and you wouldn’t see the end of them . Such as having someone else repeat the Psychologist’s words to me since they were unaffected by my ‘brainwashing’.

In the end, I’ve simply chalked the whole thing up to my rather new fear of ‘brain invasion’. It’s a minor illogical fear that I don’t spend much time fussing over. Though I would like to point out that you still couldn’t pay me to go see Inception.

I’ve been informed by several parties (all of whom seem to have a vendetta against my taste in movies) that it’s not really about brain invasion and my worry is pointless. They seemed to miss the memo when I point out that it doesn’t have to be about brain invasion but that the possibility of entering someone else’s mind via dreams or what have you is enough regardless of the movie’s plot, point, details and messages (meta or stated).

They also seemed to miss the memo that telling me to ‘not worry’ about something I’m anxious over only frustrates and annoys me and serves no function in ending my worry. I suspect they don’t really want to solve my anxiety so much as just shut me up. And as annoying as I’m probably being with my fussing, would it really hurt them to just say that they don’t want to hear it instead of pretending to solve it?

And it appears that I have digressed, sort of. I have long acknowledged that I can and do face a number of my anxieties in my dreams. Most of them I never remember. Occasionally though, I’ll get the oddball like this one that leaves me bouncing between giggles and disbelief. Truthfully, I would state that the progressive timeline in today’s dream was an improvement over post apocalyptic New York covered in cereal boxes and laundry baskets or the showdown between the Ninja Turtles and Wayne Gretzky. That and those spats did look very stylish.

August 10, 2010 / ebonbladedanaan

Return to Routine Fail and Catch Up

I’m not surprised or upset at my absolute inability to return to what I had managed as a routine before my trip to Arizona. I pretty much expected to metaphorically fall flat on my face. I had hopes for better of course. And in a way I did manage a very small amount of progress. Such as not letting any of the bills blow up in my face due to close running deadlines. I’ve still got some unpacking that needs to be done. I’ll get back into it eventually. In the meantime I’ll practice not letting my disappointment drop me into one of my negative self-talk sprees. Been doing decent on that so far.

In other news there’s three weeks of reviews/news and then this week’s plan. The review I promised from just before Arizona will be kept short and sweet. I promised myself that what got done was good and what didn’t wouldn’t be worried about. I still got overwhelmed, but I managed to walk away at the end of the week without focusing on the negative. I even felt a bit accomplished, if a bit harried. The tracked goals came out to:

  • 3 of 4 small projects fully completed; and the 4th partially so (2 of 6 sewing projects done)
  • 2 days of task list tracking and three days of ‘not-panicked’ rushing around

I can say I’m pleased with that. The small projects that got done were sorely needed and made a huge difference for my husband during the time I was gone.

During the Arizona trip I set a couple of small goals to keep in mind but not actively track. The first was to pray everyday. As one of the daily morning events was geared for prayer that was easily accomplished. It also enabled me to do so off and on throughout the day. It is certainly a habit that I know I can benefit from at home. The other goal was to listen more and talk less. I would often lose my focus on this one and end up talking ears off anyhow. But I was informed by the end of the week that in a few specific circumstances it was a great help. It was nice to be reminded that God will use me for good whatever my current habits and designs are. I still need to listen more. I’ve got a great opportunity for that on Thursday that I’ll be using for practice.

And so last week came and I was home from Arizona. I had no particular goals for the week other than ‘Don’t Worry About It!’ I actually slept for around 42 hours of the first three or four days I was home. I was so exhausted that my Tuesday appointment with Dr. B covered no major ground except to decompress from the trip. Dr. B commented that I looked exhausted. So I went home and took another nap. I did a little shopping and some sewing as well.

This weekend I really picked back up on my sewing. I finished 3 more of the sewing projects that I had planned, revised the rest and started a new one. I also have a bunch of new beads for some projects I have in mind. I hope to have more of all of that for ya’ll later this week.

This week’s plans are fairly simple. 1. Do crafty plan things for beading and sewing. 2. Start the office declutter; finish if I can. 3. Start getting the house back in order. I’m being flexible on the finish lines for those projects as I’m still feeling out of sync with everything. But if I can finish up then that’ll go a long ways towards correcting that feeling.

I feel like some of my anxiety in regards to my ability to follow through on things has diminished incredibly since Arizona. I know that I’m going to fail on a number of things and I’m less upset about that than I was. This year has been so difficult and I’ve come so very far. It’s going to get harder and I’m okay with that. Hesitant, yes. But okay. I still have all manner of ups and downs and ooh shiney moments. But I’m enjoying the calm moments instead of fretting about my shortcomings more than before. I say all this but watch. I’ll hit a lovely snag soon that’ll leave me reeling I bet.

The mission trip to Arizona was great. The teens from my church were awesome. The other church group that we met up with astounded me and left me feeling blessed. We worked a lot. They worked more than I did partly because I took a lot of pictures. I’ll post some of the scenery shots later. But it helped me center myself a little better when working with these teens and enabling them to serve the Native Americans who were hosting us. I found a perspective I hadn’t seen in a while. One that was focused on helping others instead of healing myself.

I also found a sense of community and acceptance there that I had been craving badly. I didn’t want to leave any of it behind. Thinking about it brings back the ache of saying goodbye and knowing that I had to return to a place where I am still searching for that feeling of support and the trust to let me support them. Some days I think I’ve begun to find it among my church family and others I’m left feeling confused again. I adore them all, truly. But circumstances aren’t supposed to be easy. I wonder if perhaps I found what I did in Arizona because we knew we didn’t have to go into anything outside our faiths, lives and personal struggles. The outside world and all it’s bureaucracy held very little sway there. What of it that exists here at home feels highlighted now.

I suspect that I’m dramatizing it to myself and that time and patience will provide perspective. Nonetheless, it’s frustrating to think that I’d rather be a permanent visitor instead of at home. Either way, this is where I am and it is doubtless that it’s where I’m needed.

July 27, 2010 / ebonbladedanaan

Such A Different Land: A Brief Check-In

Signing in for a moment from Arizona to say a quick hello. It has been a busy week and it’s only Tuesday. I’m flying back home late Saturday. With a doctor appointment on Monday the post for that day might be late that night again. I’ll be throwing both weeks’ reviews in with it.

In other news, Arizona is so gorgeous but very foreign to me. We’re on an area that goes flat for miles and miles. I am so amazed by how far I can see. And there’s almost no trees. I have always lived around trees. Not seeing any is jarring. It’s cool though. Anyhow, I’ve still got the rest of the week ahead of me. I’ll be back with plans and hopefully a much needed recharge next week.

July 24, 2010 / ebonbladedanaan

Barely Any Friday Left: Gone For a Week

Well, I would have considered a post today for my weekly review. However, I was a bit preoccupied with fighting my distraction enough to pack properly for my week in Arizona. My flight is in eight hours. I’ll be gone a week.

So expect my return (hopefully) on the first Monday of August. In the meantime, I’ll see if I can’t churn out a mini-review on my phone sometime during the week.

Wish me luck!