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July 22, 2010 / ebonbladedanaan

Work In Progress: ADD and Me

One of the biggest challenges I face in treating my Attention Deficit is actually not one of the symptoms of ADD but rather a nasty side effect that comes from being diagnosed as an adult rather than as a child. I’m referring to the emotional and rational damage done to my self-perception and trained thought patterns. Or as it’s more commonly known: Low Self Esteem, Build Up of Negative Emotions, Social Anxiety, Unhealthy Confliction Resolution and so on.

When I consider everything that could have happened differently had I known and had those around me known, I find I must deal with feelings of anger and resentment. I think to myself that had I only known, I could now be the confident, self-assured woman I desire to be. For the sake of balance, I do know and admit to myself (eventually) that if I had known I would simply be dealing with a different set of problems now. But I have to question myself. Would I fear social ridicule as strongly? Would I see myself in such negative tones? Would I still avoid conflict with religious fervor? I don’t know the answers to those questions or to any of the other hundreds that occur to me in any given moment.

Instead, I’m learning to confront each little demon along the way. I’m learning to laugh at my gaffes. I’m learning to breathe before I react. I’m learning to negate the negative self talk with positive responses. It’s so hard for me. And I feel like I’m climbing the steepest hill one can walk without rope. And in 90+ degree weather with no shoes or water. It’s hard to draw breath much less think clearly.

I keep a small journal for recording my thoughts and emotional state as I mourn the loss of years and relationships to my troubles. This is a small excerpt I wrote Wednesday morning:

This is how I start my mornings, live my days and end my nights. I live in fear of each little social rejection. Every moment contains some element of possible failure for me. I crave positive affirmation like a starved man does food.

Desperation is a familiar feeling to me. And I feel it when surrounded by people who love me, a great home that we can afford, a husband who has stayed with me through all of my crap, a church family that prays for me, friends who will listen when I get the strength to actually call and a God who will never ever walk away.

I am beyond blessed. And I torture myself more because I can’t seem to make the two contexts of my life fit within the rationale that I understand them by. I feel that because I have been given so much, that somehow I should be able to shove my problems aside with the same amount of ease. And yet, I feel that to do so would disregard the impact that these problems have had on me and my mind.

I need a new context it seems. Oh goody.

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2 Comments

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  1. restodresden / Jul 23 2010 1:57 am

    We .>

  2. restodresden / Jul 23 2010 1:59 am

    Oh hey, my ‘lesser than three’ heart ended up causing an HTML tag, thus absorbing everything I said (YAY!) ;.;

    summary: you’re cool, even if you don’t realize it, and I totally wouldn’t know half of this stuff just by looking at you because of that coolness.

    I think I said it better before the interwebs ate my text…

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