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August 10, 2010 / ebonbladedanaan

Return to Routine Fail and Catch Up

I’m not surprised or upset at my absolute inability to return to what I had managed as a routine before my trip to Arizona. I pretty much expected to metaphorically fall flat on my face. I had hopes for better of course. And in a way I did manage a very small amount of progress. Such as not letting any of the bills blow up in my face due to close running deadlines. I’ve still got some unpacking that needs to be done. I’ll get back into it eventually. In the meantime I’ll practice not letting my disappointment drop me into one of my negative self-talk sprees. Been doing decent on that so far.

In other news there’s three weeks of reviews/news and then this week’s plan. The review I promised from just before Arizona will be kept short and sweet. I promised myself that what got done was good and what didn’t wouldn’t be worried about. I still got overwhelmed, but I managed to walk away at the end of the week without focusing on the negative. I even felt a bit accomplished, if a bit harried. The tracked goals came out to:

  • 3 of 4 small projects fully completed; and the 4th partially so (2 of 6 sewing projects done)
  • 2 days of task list tracking and three days of ‘not-panicked’ rushing around

I can say I’m pleased with that. The small projects that got done were sorely needed and made a huge difference for my husband during the time I was gone.

During the Arizona trip I set a couple of small goals to keep in mind but not actively track. The first was to pray everyday. As one of the daily morning events was geared for prayer that was easily accomplished. It also enabled me to do so off and on throughout the day. It is certainly a habit that I know I can benefit from at home. The other goal was to listen more and talk less. I would often lose my focus on this one and end up talking ears off anyhow. But I was informed by the end of the week that in a few specific circumstances it was a great help. It was nice to be reminded that God will use me for good whatever my current habits and designs are. I still need to listen more. I’ve got a great opportunity for that on Thursday that I’ll be using for practice.

And so last week came and I was home from Arizona. I had no particular goals for the week other than ‘Don’t Worry About It!’ I actually slept for around 42 hours of the first three or four days I was home. I was so exhausted that my Tuesday appointment with Dr. B covered no major ground except to decompress from the trip. Dr. B commented that I looked exhausted. So I went home and took another nap. I did a little shopping and some sewing as well.

This weekend I really picked back up on my sewing. I finished 3 more of the sewing projects that I had planned, revised the rest and started a new one. I also have a bunch of new beads for some projects I have in mind. I hope to have more of all of that for ya’ll later this week.

This week’s plans are fairly simple. 1. Do crafty plan things for beading and sewing. 2. Start the office declutter; finish if I can. 3. Start getting the house back in order. I’m being flexible on the finish lines for those projects as I’m still feeling out of sync with everything. But if I can finish up then that’ll go a long ways towards correcting that feeling.

I feel like some of my anxiety in regards to my ability to follow through on things has diminished incredibly since Arizona. I know that I’m going to fail on a number of things and I’m less upset about that than I was. This year has been so difficult and I’ve come so very far. It’s going to get harder and I’m okay with that. Hesitant, yes. But okay. I still have all manner of ups and downs and ooh shiney moments. But I’m enjoying the calm moments instead of fretting about my shortcomings more than before. I say all this but watch. I’ll hit a lovely snag soon that’ll leave me reeling I bet.

The mission trip to Arizona was great. The teens from my church were awesome. The other church group that we met up with astounded me and left me feeling blessed. We worked a lot. They worked more than I did partly because I took a lot of pictures. I’ll post some of the scenery shots later. But it helped me center myself a little better when working with these teens and enabling them to serve the Native Americans who were hosting us. I found a perspective I hadn’t seen in a while. One that was focused on helping others instead of healing myself.

I also found a sense of community and acceptance there that I had been craving badly. I didn’t want to leave any of it behind. Thinking about it brings back the ache of saying goodbye and knowing that I had to return to a place where I am still searching for that feeling of support and the trust to let me support them. Some days I think I’ve begun to find it among my church family and others I’m left feeling confused again. I adore them all, truly. But circumstances aren’t supposed to be easy. I wonder if perhaps I found what I did in Arizona because we knew we didn’t have to go into anything outside our faiths, lives and personal struggles. The outside world and all it’s bureaucracy held very little sway there. What of it that exists here at home feels highlighted now.

I suspect that I’m dramatizing it to myself and that time and patience will provide perspective. Nonetheless, it’s frustrating to think that I’d rather be a permanent visitor instead of at home. Either way, this is where I am and it is doubtless that it’s where I’m needed.


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